Home Sweet Home

You want to know what is wild? I am moving in with my boyfriend in a couple weeks. I moved into my current apartment almost one year ago exactly. It was July of 2018 when I left behind an apartment that filled with hurt and tough times. My old apartment is where I simmered in pain from the aftermath of being in a terrible relationship with the wrong person for three years. It is where I sat single for 5 years feeling palpable level of loneliness combined with paralyzing fear of putting myself out there again. Fear that somehow I would end up in a relationship worse than the last. It is where I made the decision that I’d rather feel the pain of being lonely than feel the pain of another human tearing me down piece by piece. It is the place I spent days and nights overtaken by depression and anxiety. I’d stare out those windows and contemplate if today was the day that I was going to choose to end it all. I was in that apartment the day I lost my first handful of hair. I cried on those floors the day my hair left me for good. I stared in those mirrors when my eyebrows started to leave me and then my eyelashes. I laid in that bed and screamed in excruciating pain from what I later learned was a pulmonary embolism. It is where I gave my cat Jasper his final kisses and snuggles before sending him over the rainbow bridge.When I left that apartment a year ago, I wasn’t expecting things to change, but boy oh boy was I wrong. My current apartment is where I healed. I don’t look in these mirrors and shed tears over my hair loss. I stare in these mirrors and think of ways to help others who are struggling with alopecian pain. It is these floors that I sit on when I’m laughing at my new kitten Neville and all of his silly antics. It is this bedroom that I sit in when I read all the amazing messages from my fellow alopecia brothers and sisters. Messages of encouragement, messages of emotion, messages of courage. It is here where my days of being single came to an end. It is this apartment that I learned what being in a good relationship is. This apartment taught me that there are good, kind, loving, accepting, supportive men in the world, and it taught me how to found one who is the perfect match for me. These hallways are where I see a man who looks at me exactly the same no matter if I am dressed up to the nines or without hair, brows, and makeup. Here is where I raised the bar for myself. Here is where I learned to live again.Now I am about to leave this amazing apartment for a new adventure in a new place with my new little family. If you had told me a year ago that this is where my life would be now, I would have never believed it. Yet somehow, some way the pieces of my life found a way to fall back into place again. Thank you little apartment. You brought me my happiness back. You helped me find a part of me that I thought I had lost forever. You showed me how to live my best life and not settle for less. I can’t wait to take all of that with me to my wonderful new home. xoxoxo

The Anxiety Chronicles

Can we talk about anxiety for a second? By second, I mean the length of time it takes you to read this post lol. Anxiety is something I have dealt with for most of my life. My first memory of it dates all the way back to 1st grade. I entered the building for the first day of school and FREAKED out. Why I freaked out is beyond me. Going to kindergarten and preschool was easy peasy. Yet here I was breaking down so badly that I puked my guts out. Right there on the classroom floor. Puke-a-roo. Quite the way to make an impression for myself don’t ya think? This ritual continued for about a week. My anxiety pukes became business as usual. So much so that my teacher put a garbage can next to my desk. Likely to give the janitor a break from cleaning daily floor vomit. Yes ladies and gentleman, I was that girl. To this day I do not know why I would go into a complete fight or flight mode when I walked into that room, but eventually I worked through it and enjoyed the rest of my elementary school days. The next occurrence happened in 8th grade. Once again, it seemingly came out of nowhere. My middle school moved into a new building mid-year and all of a sudden, my anxiety made a return appearance. I would enter a state of panic that told me not to go to school. Not in that normal, I’m a pre-teen who ain’t feeling that classroom life kinda way, but in that omg I’m going to pass out, or die, or something awful is surely going to happen kinda way. I started making myself throw up so my parents would have a reason to keep me home. Puke is apparently a common theme of this blog. I even rubbed my mom’s lipsticks into my cheeks in hopes that I’d look red and ill to pull off the act. I probably just looked like bozo the clown honestly. Quickly my parents realized I wasn’t actually sick and forced me to go to school. I bet you are wondering if I was bullied. My parents were wondering the same thing. Was I being picked on? Was something bad happening? The answer is nope. Literally, nothing bad was happening. I had a great life and this paralyzing fear was a result of nothing more than my brain taking extra steps to scare the shit out of me.As I’ve gotten older, the gamut of things that make me anxious has steadily grown, and my experiences with it have changed. I’ve learned that I am EXTREMELY sensitive to other people’s emotions. When I am around someone who is high strung, overly worried, or trying to be over protective of me, my anxiety shoots through the roof. It feels like I start to absorb their stressors and I become suffocated by it. 2017 was my first experience with a panic attack. I was driving to work and about to turn onto the highway. Suddenly, I felt this crazy sensation like I was going to pass out. I became light headed, my face became extremely hot, and my entire body began sweating. I spent the entire drive talking myself down and blasting the AC in my face. At the time, I was still extremely depressed and overwhelmed by my alopecia, and I was on anxiety overload because I was recovering from a pulmonary embolism. I continued to have panic attacks daily. They would strike whenever they pleased—driving, walking through the grocery store, at work, at dinner with friends, in the airport. The only time they didn’t happen was when I was in the comfort of my apartment. I’ve always been open with my friends and family about having anxiety, but I’ve never really opened up about my panic attacks. I was so good at maintaining a smile on the outside while mentally losing it on the inside. Since starting this blog, my panic attacks have significantly decreased. I’m by no means “recovered”, but I’ve gotten to a much better mental state. I’ve come to terms with the fact that anxiety has been and always will be a part of me. Much like alopecia, learning to own it and cope with it is what has helped me the most. It doesn’t change the fact that it is a pain in the ass. It doesn’t change the fact that my brain is CONSTANTLY trying to scare me out of doing the smallest things—driving, leaving the house, applying for new jobs, etc. It doesn’t change the fact that every second of the day my brain is telling me “no you can’t do that” and I have to tell it “screw you, yes I can!” However, it does mean that no matter how hard anxiety tries to win, I still get to tell it, “not today brah, not today.”

2018 Year In Review

The holidays are a weird time for me. I’m not sure exactly why, but there is something about the time frame between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day that always spikes my depression and anxiety. Even this year when everything has been on the up and up. Here I am, in my head in a funk. Do I have a reason to feel this way? Nope, sure don’t. But that’s the thing about depression, it never really chooses a reasonable time to show up. Sometimes it just wants to make an appearance as a quick reminder that it can hide, but it can also come back anytime it wants. Rude AF. I think the obvious reason here is that I’m 35 and spending yet another holiday alone. Which in theory is fine because I’m totally okay with being single. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, every year that I have been in a relationship during the holidays, it’s never been Hallmark movie worthy. If anything, its been the exact opposite and included me feeling more alone in the relationship than I feel now as a single lady (insert Beyonce hand motion here). Maybe that’s it. That the holidays remind me that I’ve never had a holiday with a man friend who has truly made me feel loved or special. Instead its usually me, scrolling through social media and talking to my friends while being envious (maybe a smidge jealy) of the man friends they have who make them feel like princesses. Luckily as history goes, this feeling will start to fade away after my birthday and will make its final exit after Valentine’s day. I guess you can say, I’m so ready for February! Denver February means that pool weather is just a hop, skip, and jump away (why does saying that make me feel like an elementary teacher?) Just gotta tough it out until my bald butt is laying pool side making this tan skin even tanner (now its your turn to be jealy 😊) I’m sooo ready for it!For this week’s post, I thought I’d do a 2018 year in review and share some of my most favorite memories of this past year. Hope you enjoy and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!1. I turned THIRTY FIVE! The scary age that happened after I passed my original scary age of 30. I celebrated with not one but two boozy brunches, and realized that brunch is my new most favorite meal of the day. It was also when I made a conscious decision to start having more fun and go out there and live that YOLO  best life. A decision that made 2018 one of the best years so far!2. I got to see my most favorite kids from Akron (Lebron James obvi..no offense if you are one of my friends from Akron, I still love you just as much) playing in Denver. At the time I was hoping, wishing, praying, it wouldn’t be my last time getting to see him play in CAVS wine and gold, but alas it was. I hate to break it to you Bron, but purple and yellow will never look as good as wine and gold. Just sayin! PS I miss you and please come back!!3. OMG I went on my first dates since losing my hair and my first dates using a dating app. This will for sure be its own blog entry at another time. Yes, it was awkward, hilarious, fun, and wayyyy outside of my comfort bubble as expected. I went on two dates with two different dudes and didn’t go on a single other date after that. Baby steps people, baby steps.4. This is a sad one. I had to say goodbye to my little kitty Jasper. I got him in 2009, and he traveled with me from Ohio to Denver. He was my #1 sidekick through all of the rough times, the good times, and everything in between. Saying goodbye to him was one of THE HARSDEST things I ever had to do. I miss you every single day my little buddy.5. Got my first Shuly wig!! This is my 3rd human hair wig since losing all of my hair, and it is hands down my most favorite. The hair quality is amazing and it is everything I’ve wanted in a wig and more. If I was a baller shot caller, you better believe I’d fly my butt to NYC to get a dozen more. But one will have to do for now 😊6. Took my first trip to NASHVegas to celebrate my BFF Heather’s Bachelorette weekend!! The trip was a total blast!! I literally don’t understand how college kids in Nashville can graduate. How can you choose studying over all of the other fun things to do out there?! Props to you if you’ve done it. This trip was interesting because it was my first time having girlfriends see me first thing in the morning…no hair…no makeup….full bald…eyebrowless Supriya. Straight up ET phone home alien mode. I had MAJOR anxiety about it the entire trip, but everyone there made it so easy me. Pro tip--if you want to know how to make peace with alopecia, find yourself a strong AF girl squad who will give you all of the confidence in the world!7. TAYLOR SWIFT. Yes, I am a 35 year old Swifty. Yes, I jumped all of these verified fan hoops to secure my place in the ticket line. Let me tell you, it was all WORTH it. I don’t know about you, but I was feeling 22 that night!8. Had another family reunion in Siesta Key. 900000% humidity is worth it for fun vacations with the fam!9. I moved on up! Literally. I moved up one floor into a new renovated apartment that I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE! Thank you renovations, target, and hobby lobby for making my girlie decorating dreams come true.10. After 6 months of being pet free, I adopted a tiny little kitten and named him Neville Longbottom! He is the cutest, funniest, craziest wild man of a cat. Everyday he makes me laugh and he is currently curled up next to me while I type this blog. I may suck at relationships, but man am I great at being a cat mom.11. Last, but not least, I started this BLOG!!! After months and months of feeling unfilled with life, of feeling like the world was going to shit and I was doing nothing to contribute to society, I decided to get off my overly anxious butt and do something about it. Here I am sharing my story with family, friends, and strangers, all while making new alopecia friends every single day. I cant wait to see what this blog will bring me in the New Year!HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! Hope you all are safe, have fun, and drink lots of Pedialyte. Nobody wants to start a new year with a new hangover. Am I right? Talk to you in 2019 boos!! 

The Baldie Boo Story

One week ago, I posted my first blog and launched my Baldie Boo Instagram. I’m so blown away by the response and am excited to see what is to come. The fact that strangers are reaching out to me with their own alopecia stories is legit the best ever. Sharing is caring with this disease, that’s for damn sure. So, speaking of sharing, I thought I’d take a little trip down memory lane, and share some deets on my alopecia journey. Buckle up kids and bring your lint rollers because shit is about to get hairy.First, I need to rewind back to 2013. Actually, lets throw it back one more to 2012. 2012 was not a good year in my life. I was in a dumpster fire of a relationship. I was living in Colorado and my only real Colorado best friend was my boyfriend of 2 years (because I moved to Colorado with him in 2010). Now typically you don’t use dumpster fire and BFF to describe the same relationship, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbled. I made A LOT of poor life decisions in that relationship. I mean I look back at 2010-2013 Supriya and think, good lord woman, get it together!!! The list is endless and to say I ignored the red flags is the understatement of the century. Times were bad for my little brain and I didn’t have any real friends or family out here to shake me until I started making sensible choices. Instead I started to drown in my abyss of emotions and my depression and anxiety were at a whole new level of bad news bears. Now back to 2013. I’m at Target, living my best life, buying all the things I do not need. The Target dressing room has a million mirrors, so you can see every awkward angle of yourself and be horrified. Well today I happened to have my hair up in a pony tail and was trying on something or another. I look in the mirror and can see the back-left side of my lower scalp. I notice a coin shaped patch of skin near my pony tail. After much maneuvering and trying to capture it on my phone, I realized it was for sure a bald spot. I go to the doctor, he ships me off to a derm, he looks at the spot and says yup its alopecia. He shoots it up with some steroid injections (not the gym brah kind) and sends me on my way. I’ll get into treatment options in a later blog, but this is one of them. I continued to get these less than pleasant scalp injections for the next few months and poof my hair grew back! Phew!!Now lets fast forward to 2015. Things in life are turning aroundISH. I had signed up for crossfit at the end of 2013 and for the first time in my Colorado life I had friends. Not just casual acquaintances, but actual ride or die type friends. My relationship is over, but at the end of that dumpster fire relationship, I was about 87 levels below rock bottom. I hated myself more than anyone or anything…and if I’m being nitty gritty honest here, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be around in the world anymore. Depression is such a fuck. It had taken over every ounce of my body. It was a serious climb to start building myself back up to okay…let alone good. Making real friends was a great starting point though. For the first time since moving to Colorado, I had people in this state who genuinely cared for me and loved me. I had been surrounded by so much self-inflicted negativity for so long that it was a new normal to function around caring, loving people again. So, I’m out here living life and starting to dig out of my hole. My little brain was still in rough shape though. I would fake happy around my friends and come home and crumple up in a heap and just cry and cry and cry. Life felt impossible most days. Like I said, depression is a FUCK. I get man, if you’ve been blessed enough to never have had depression or anxiety, this all probably sounds like nonsense to you. If I could have just flipped a switch and changed things, you better believe I would have. But I was just so very stuck, and mentally I was average at best. I wasn’t seeking out therapy or medication to deal with these issues at that time, so my emotions just festered in me until my body had had enough.In May of 2015 I was getting ready for work. I love big ass hair, so I of course was teasing mine, when I noticed a pile of hair in my hands. I’ve always been a shedder, but this seemed like a large amount. From that day on, my hair fell out piece by piece, handful by handful, all day long. I would shower and the tub would be covered in obscene amounts of hair. It would fall while I was driving, while I was working out, while I was sleeping. ALL DAY LONG.  I went to the doctor and he told me I was having an alopecia flare up. While there is no known official cause for alopecia, he attributed it to my emotional stress. I was given some medication and told not to stress out…which let me tell you is a really easy thing to do when your hair is falling out by the handful…NOT LOL. This is when I entered my Gollum months. Now I don’t actually watch Lord of the Rings, but I know Gollum. Him and I looked like total twinsies during this time. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. We basically had the same who wore it best hairstyle. My hair continued its mass exodus and by August it was basically all gone.

I went to a salon called Hanas Designs and purchased my first full wig. Hana shaved off my last few strands of hair while I sat in her chair bawling my eyes out. This was the day I made wearing wigs trendy…sorry Kylie I got you beat! Those 4 months of hair loss were just so awful. I felt like I was losing my identity, my femininity my self-worth strand by strand. I know, I know, I know, its just hair. Trust me I KNOW. But I want to be raw and honest about my experience and that is what I was feeling. I didn’t think my depression and anxiety could get worse, but man oh man did this crush me. My desire to live was just so little. Looking at this now, I realize how silly that sounds. Life is so precious and such a gift, but back then I am not exaggerating when I say depression had taken over every damn ounce of my body. So, this is where I began my journey into bald life.This story is long, and I don’t want to turn this blog entry into encyclopedia volumes A-F. I’m gonna pause here, but I will continue in a later post. For now...To Be Continued...Reading this part of my story seems so surreal now. Its just a few years later yet I am SUCH a different person now. I was at a holiday party yesterday with some of my old crossfit friends, and my friend Jenny mentioned how I seemed the happiest she’s ever seen me. It’s the truth! Life is for real good so damn good now. While this entry is emotionally intense, the light at the end of the tunnel was nearer than I realized at that time. So that’s all for now. Talk to you soon my fellow baldie and non-baldie boos!! Come back soon! xoxoxo