The Anxiety Chronicles

Can we talk about anxiety for a second? By second, I mean the length of time it takes you to read this post lol. Anxiety is something I have dealt with for most of my life. My first memory of it dates all the way back to 1st grade. I entered the building for the first day of school and FREAKED out. Why I freaked out is beyond me. Going to kindergarten and preschool was easy peasy. Yet here I was breaking down so badly that I puked my guts out. Right there on the classroom floor. Puke-a-roo. Quite the way to make an impression for myself don’t ya think? This ritual continued for about a week. My anxiety pukes became business as usual. So much so that my teacher put a garbage can next to my desk. Likely to give the janitor a break from cleaning daily floor vomit. Yes ladies and gentleman, I was that girl. To this day I do not know why I would go into a complete fight or flight mode when I walked into that room, but eventually I worked through it and enjoyed the rest of my elementary school days. The next occurrence happened in 8th grade. Once again, it seemingly came out of nowhere. My middle school moved into a new building mid-year and all of a sudden, my anxiety made a return appearance. I would enter a state of panic that told me not to go to school. Not in that normal, I’m a pre-teen who ain’t feeling that classroom life kinda way, but in that omg I’m going to pass out, or die, or something awful is surely going to happen kinda way. I started making myself throw up so my parents would have a reason to keep me home. Puke is apparently a common theme of this blog. I even rubbed my mom’s lipsticks into my cheeks in hopes that I’d look red and ill to pull off the act. I probably just looked like bozo the clown honestly. Quickly my parents realized I wasn’t actually sick and forced me to go to school. I bet you are wondering if I was bullied. My parents were wondering the same thing. Was I being picked on? Was something bad happening? The answer is nope. Literally, nothing bad was happening. I had a great life and this paralyzing fear was a result of nothing more than my brain taking extra steps to scare the shit out of me.As I’ve gotten older, the gamut of things that make me anxious has steadily grown, and my experiences with it have changed. I’ve learned that I am EXTREMELY sensitive to other people’s emotions. When I am around someone who is high strung, overly worried, or trying to be over protective of me, my anxiety shoots through the roof. It feels like I start to absorb their stressors and I become suffocated by it. 2017 was my first experience with a panic attack. I was driving to work and about to turn onto the highway. Suddenly, I felt this crazy sensation like I was going to pass out. I became light headed, my face became extremely hot, and my entire body began sweating. I spent the entire drive talking myself down and blasting the AC in my face. At the time, I was still extremely depressed and overwhelmed by my alopecia, and I was on anxiety overload because I was recovering from a pulmonary embolism. I continued to have panic attacks daily. They would strike whenever they pleased—driving, walking through the grocery store, at work, at dinner with friends, in the airport. The only time they didn’t happen was when I was in the comfort of my apartment. I’ve always been open with my friends and family about having anxiety, but I’ve never really opened up about my panic attacks. I was so good at maintaining a smile on the outside while mentally losing it on the inside. Since starting this blog, my panic attacks have significantly decreased. I’m by no means “recovered”, but I’ve gotten to a much better mental state. I’ve come to terms with the fact that anxiety has been and always will be a part of me. Much like alopecia, learning to own it and cope with it is what has helped me the most. It doesn’t change the fact that it is a pain in the ass. It doesn’t change the fact that my brain is CONSTANTLY trying to scare me out of doing the smallest things—driving, leaving the house, applying for new jobs, etc. It doesn’t change the fact that every second of the day my brain is telling me “no you can’t do that” and I have to tell it “screw you, yes I can!” However, it does mean that no matter how hard anxiety tries to win, I still get to tell it, “not today brah, not today.”

Brows on Fleek

Happy New Year friends!! Resolutions aren’t really my jam, but I love me a New Year! I enjoy the perception of a fresh start and the feeling of putting the past year behind me. This year is a little different because I actually really loved 2018. This is the first time in a long time that I’m not eager to complete one year and start over. I’m hoping 2019 will step up and say, “Oh you think 2018 was good? You ain’t seen nothin yet sista friend!” Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Today I want to talk a little bit about transition from alopecia areata (hair loss in small patches on my scalp) to alopecia universalis (full body hair attack leaving me with the same amount of hair as your local beluga whale). I lost my scalp hair and arm hair around the same time. The rest of my hair remained. Still had to shave my legs, still had to thread my brows and wax off my mustache. I really wanted things to stay that way. I told myself that I could handle losing my scalp hair, but if I lost my eyebrows or eyelashes, I would not be able to handle it. For about a year my body granted my wish and life was as dandy as it can be for a bald, single, 30 something gal. Then in the spring of 2016, my immune system decided to flip me the bird and started to attack my eyebrows. I was SUCH a mess during this time frame. I’ve spent the greater part of my adult life focusing on health and nutrition. I work out 6 days a week and I eat healthy most of the time. I do this so I can have control of what I look like. Alopecia ripped that control away from me. There was literally nothing I could do to stop my body from waging this war. Let me tell you, I tried EVERYTHING the internet offered up as a suggestion. Apple cider vinegar shots, experimental medical treatments, writing in a gratitude journal, eating paleo, eliminating gluten, black caster oil, essential oil potions, the list goes on and on. It became crystal clear that my immune system had full control and I had 0. This was infuriating, and I felt like the universe was punishing me for no reason. I was pity partying like it was 1999 day in and day out. Losing eyebrows was a whole new ball game. You never realize just how much your eyebrows impact your appearance until they are gone. I would look in the mirror and bawl because I didn’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I was SO angry at my body, so angry at the world, and if I’m being honest, I was so angry at God as well. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I would beg God to make it stop and tell him that it wasn’t making me stronger, that it was making me want to stop living. Again disclaimer, I realize now looking back that alopecia is not a reason to stop living. However, at that time the culmination of years of emotionally painful events was overwhelming and alopecia felt like the straw that was breaking this camel’s back.
I finally made the decision to get my brows microbladed. My BFF Tiffany recommended her friend Lea to me. Lea is my eyebrow angel. I was so scared when I met her for our initial consultation. I mean I was about to let someone tattoo my face. I could leave looking fabulous, or I could leave looking like Maleficent. I realllly didn’t want to look like an Indian Maleficent. The second I met Lea, all of those worries faded away. 1. Lea is stunningly beautiful. I knew if she could make my brows 1/18 as nice as hers, I would be okay. 2. She has the most amazing positive energy. She loved my bald head and spoke about my features in such an uplifting away that I actually felt pretty when I was around her. 3. She was an absolute saint when it came to my crazy ass body. Fun fact, if you have alopecia there is also a chance your body will reject the microblading ink. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and its not typical. Of course, it happened to me. A few days into the healing process the majority of the hair strokes were gone, and I was completely devastated. It was like losing my natural brows all over again. Lea however, was not going to let me throw in the towel. She insisted I would have brows, and did not have a speck of doubt that I would. I can’t remember exactly how many times I went back to see her, but she was totally right. Girlfriend gave me brows again! It gave me back a sense or normalcy. When I took my makeup off at the end of the day, I no longer felt like an alien version of myself. I no longer felt like the person looking back at me in the mirror was a total stranger. I felt like I received a tiny piece of me back. Thank you, Lea, I will forever be so unbelievably grateful for you and your kind, sweet, positive soul. For my readers, if any of you are in Denver and are considering getting your brows did, you need to go check her out at The Brow Bar & Co. No this is not an ad, just a friend guiding you to my eyebrow angel who will 100% make sure your eyebrows are on fleek.
I lost my lashes in 2017, and while I was annoyed by it, it wasn’t crushing. At that point I had to just throw my hands up in the air and laugh. I’ve always worn top lid liner, so it was not noticeable to anyone unless they were inches away from my face. If you’re inches away from my face, there’s a bigger problem than me not having lashes LOL. Somewhere in 2017 I lost the rest of my body hair including my nose hair. To be honest, I love the fact that I don’t have to shave my legs. I love the fact that my arms no longer look like I am part Woolly Mammoth. It does create a new normal though. For instance, you forget that brows, lashes, and nose hair actually serve a purpose. I cannot tell you how much crud would make its way into my eyeballs. For someone with no hair, I seemingly always had cat hair in my eye. I quickly learned the importance of nose hair the first time I cried without nose hair. It was as if someone had turned on a snot fountain. I was simply not prepared for that. In 2018 I got my lashes and some of my nose hair back. Needless to say, this has made allergy season far more bearable. Welp, that’s all I’ve got for today my loves. I hope you are all having an amazing start to the New Year!!! I wish everyone a year filled with abundant blessings –lots of love, happiness, money, joy, and relationships. Talk to you next week boos!

2018 Year In Review

The holidays are a weird time for me. I’m not sure exactly why, but there is something about the time frame between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day that always spikes my depression and anxiety. Even this year when everything has been on the up and up. Here I am, in my head in a funk. Do I have a reason to feel this way? Nope, sure don’t. But that’s the thing about depression, it never really chooses a reasonable time to show up. Sometimes it just wants to make an appearance as a quick reminder that it can hide, but it can also come back anytime it wants. Rude AF. I think the obvious reason here is that I’m 35 and spending yet another holiday alone. Which in theory is fine because I’m totally okay with being single. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, every year that I have been in a relationship during the holidays, it’s never been Hallmark movie worthy. If anything, its been the exact opposite and included me feeling more alone in the relationship than I feel now as a single lady (insert Beyonce hand motion here). Maybe that’s it. That the holidays remind me that I’ve never had a holiday with a man friend who has truly made me feel loved or special. Instead its usually me, scrolling through social media and talking to my friends while being envious (maybe a smidge jealy) of the man friends they have who make them feel like princesses. Luckily as history goes, this feeling will start to fade away after my birthday and will make its final exit after Valentine’s day. I guess you can say, I’m so ready for February! Denver February means that pool weather is just a hop, skip, and jump away (why does saying that make me feel like an elementary teacher?) Just gotta tough it out until my bald butt is laying pool side making this tan skin even tanner (now its your turn to be jealy 😊) I’m sooo ready for it!For this week’s post, I thought I’d do a 2018 year in review and share some of my most favorite memories of this past year. Hope you enjoy and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!1. I turned THIRTY FIVE! The scary age that happened after I passed my original scary age of 30. I celebrated with not one but two boozy brunches, and realized that brunch is my new most favorite meal of the day. It was also when I made a conscious decision to start having more fun and go out there and live that YOLO  best life. A decision that made 2018 one of the best years so far!2. I got to see my most favorite kids from Akron (Lebron James obvi..no offense if you are one of my friends from Akron, I still love you just as much) playing in Denver. At the time I was hoping, wishing, praying, it wouldn’t be my last time getting to see him play in CAVS wine and gold, but alas it was. I hate to break it to you Bron, but purple and yellow will never look as good as wine and gold. Just sayin! PS I miss you and please come back!!3. OMG I went on my first dates since losing my hair and my first dates using a dating app. This will for sure be its own blog entry at another time. Yes, it was awkward, hilarious, fun, and wayyyy outside of my comfort bubble as expected. I went on two dates with two different dudes and didn’t go on a single other date after that. Baby steps people, baby steps.4. This is a sad one. I had to say goodbye to my little kitty Jasper. I got him in 2009, and he traveled with me from Ohio to Denver. He was my #1 sidekick through all of the rough times, the good times, and everything in between. Saying goodbye to him was one of THE HARSDEST things I ever had to do. I miss you every single day my little buddy.5. Got my first Shuly wig!! This is my 3rd human hair wig since losing all of my hair, and it is hands down my most favorite. The hair quality is amazing and it is everything I’ve wanted in a wig and more. If I was a baller shot caller, you better believe I’d fly my butt to NYC to get a dozen more. But one will have to do for now 😊6. Took my first trip to NASHVegas to celebrate my BFF Heather’s Bachelorette weekend!! The trip was a total blast!! I literally don’t understand how college kids in Nashville can graduate. How can you choose studying over all of the other fun things to do out there?! Props to you if you’ve done it. This trip was interesting because it was my first time having girlfriends see me first thing in the morning…no hair…no makeup….full bald…eyebrowless Supriya. Straight up ET phone home alien mode. I had MAJOR anxiety about it the entire trip, but everyone there made it so easy me. Pro tip--if you want to know how to make peace with alopecia, find yourself a strong AF girl squad who will give you all of the confidence in the world!7. TAYLOR SWIFT. Yes, I am a 35 year old Swifty. Yes, I jumped all of these verified fan hoops to secure my place in the ticket line. Let me tell you, it was all WORTH it. I don’t know about you, but I was feeling 22 that night!8. Had another family reunion in Siesta Key. 900000% humidity is worth it for fun vacations with the fam!9. I moved on up! Literally. I moved up one floor into a new renovated apartment that I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE! Thank you renovations, target, and hobby lobby for making my girlie decorating dreams come true.10. After 6 months of being pet free, I adopted a tiny little kitten and named him Neville Longbottom! He is the cutest, funniest, craziest wild man of a cat. Everyday he makes me laugh and he is currently curled up next to me while I type this blog. I may suck at relationships, but man am I great at being a cat mom.11. Last, but not least, I started this BLOG!!! After months and months of feeling unfilled with life, of feeling like the world was going to shit and I was doing nothing to contribute to society, I decided to get off my overly anxious butt and do something about it. Here I am sharing my story with family, friends, and strangers, all while making new alopecia friends every single day. I cant wait to see what this blog will bring me in the New Year!HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! Hope you all are safe, have fun, and drink lots of Pedialyte. Nobody wants to start a new year with a new hangover. Am I right? Talk to you in 2019 boos!! 

The Baldie Boo Story

One week ago, I posted my first blog and launched my Baldie Boo Instagram. I’m so blown away by the response and am excited to see what is to come. The fact that strangers are reaching out to me with their own alopecia stories is legit the best ever. Sharing is caring with this disease, that’s for damn sure. So, speaking of sharing, I thought I’d take a little trip down memory lane, and share some deets on my alopecia journey. Buckle up kids and bring your lint rollers because shit is about to get hairy.First, I need to rewind back to 2013. Actually, lets throw it back one more to 2012. 2012 was not a good year in my life. I was in a dumpster fire of a relationship. I was living in Colorado and my only real Colorado best friend was my boyfriend of 2 years (because I moved to Colorado with him in 2010). Now typically you don’t use dumpster fire and BFF to describe the same relationship, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbled. I made A LOT of poor life decisions in that relationship. I mean I look back at 2010-2013 Supriya and think, good lord woman, get it together!!! The list is endless and to say I ignored the red flags is the understatement of the century. Times were bad for my little brain and I didn’t have any real friends or family out here to shake me until I started making sensible choices. Instead I started to drown in my abyss of emotions and my depression and anxiety were at a whole new level of bad news bears. Now back to 2013. I’m at Target, living my best life, buying all the things I do not need. The Target dressing room has a million mirrors, so you can see every awkward angle of yourself and be horrified. Well today I happened to have my hair up in a pony tail and was trying on something or another. I look in the mirror and can see the back-left side of my lower scalp. I notice a coin shaped patch of skin near my pony tail. After much maneuvering and trying to capture it on my phone, I realized it was for sure a bald spot. I go to the doctor, he ships me off to a derm, he looks at the spot and says yup its alopecia. He shoots it up with some steroid injections (not the gym brah kind) and sends me on my way. I’ll get into treatment options in a later blog, but this is one of them. I continued to get these less than pleasant scalp injections for the next few months and poof my hair grew back! Phew!!Now lets fast forward to 2015. Things in life are turning aroundISH. I had signed up for crossfit at the end of 2013 and for the first time in my Colorado life I had friends. Not just casual acquaintances, but actual ride or die type friends. My relationship is over, but at the end of that dumpster fire relationship, I was about 87 levels below rock bottom. I hated myself more than anyone or anything…and if I’m being nitty gritty honest here, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be around in the world anymore. Depression is such a fuck. It had taken over every ounce of my body. It was a serious climb to start building myself back up to okay…let alone good. Making real friends was a great starting point though. For the first time since moving to Colorado, I had people in this state who genuinely cared for me and loved me. I had been surrounded by so much self-inflicted negativity for so long that it was a new normal to function around caring, loving people again. So, I’m out here living life and starting to dig out of my hole. My little brain was still in rough shape though. I would fake happy around my friends and come home and crumple up in a heap and just cry and cry and cry. Life felt impossible most days. Like I said, depression is a FUCK. I get man, if you’ve been blessed enough to never have had depression or anxiety, this all probably sounds like nonsense to you. If I could have just flipped a switch and changed things, you better believe I would have. But I was just so very stuck, and mentally I was average at best. I wasn’t seeking out therapy or medication to deal with these issues at that time, so my emotions just festered in me until my body had had enough.In May of 2015 I was getting ready for work. I love big ass hair, so I of course was teasing mine, when I noticed a pile of hair in my hands. I’ve always been a shedder, but this seemed like a large amount. From that day on, my hair fell out piece by piece, handful by handful, all day long. I would shower and the tub would be covered in obscene amounts of hair. It would fall while I was driving, while I was working out, while I was sleeping. ALL DAY LONG.  I went to the doctor and he told me I was having an alopecia flare up. While there is no known official cause for alopecia, he attributed it to my emotional stress. I was given some medication and told not to stress out…which let me tell you is a really easy thing to do when your hair is falling out by the handful…NOT LOL. This is when I entered my Gollum months. Now I don’t actually watch Lord of the Rings, but I know Gollum. Him and I looked like total twinsies during this time. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. We basically had the same who wore it best hairstyle. My hair continued its mass exodus and by August it was basically all gone.

I went to a salon called Hanas Designs and purchased my first full wig. Hana shaved off my last few strands of hair while I sat in her chair bawling my eyes out. This was the day I made wearing wigs trendy…sorry Kylie I got you beat! Those 4 months of hair loss were just so awful. I felt like I was losing my identity, my femininity my self-worth strand by strand. I know, I know, I know, its just hair. Trust me I KNOW. But I want to be raw and honest about my experience and that is what I was feeling. I didn’t think my depression and anxiety could get worse, but man oh man did this crush me. My desire to live was just so little. Looking at this now, I realize how silly that sounds. Life is so precious and such a gift, but back then I am not exaggerating when I say depression had taken over every damn ounce of my body. So, this is where I began my journey into bald life.This story is long, and I don’t want to turn this blog entry into encyclopedia volumes A-F. I’m gonna pause here, but I will continue in a later post. For now...To Be Continued...Reading this part of my story seems so surreal now. Its just a few years later yet I am SUCH a different person now. I was at a holiday party yesterday with some of my old crossfit friends, and my friend Jenny mentioned how I seemed the happiest she’s ever seen me. It’s the truth! Life is for real good so damn good now. While this entry is emotionally intense, the light at the end of the tunnel was nearer than I realized at that time. So that’s all for now. Talk to you soon my fellow baldie and non-baldie boos!! Come back soon! xoxoxo