It's What Month Already?!?!

I feel like every blog post I have written this year has started with some sort of declaration of shock over how long it has been since my last post. So here is that obligatory statement again. Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post!!! It is now mid-November and this year continues to be the longest, fast year of my life. I can’t even wrap my head around it. Was there actually a time this year that was pre-covid? I know it happened, but it feels SO LONG AGO.  So long that this new normal is not feeling new anymore. It just kinda feels normal. I can’t decide if that is terrifying, fine, or just my anxiety reminding me that while I am a social human, my anxious brain low key LOVES not having to leave my home. Cheers to 2020 accidentally giving me easy access to another unhealthy coping mechanism. Woops!

To stay on brand with the things I have posted on my blog this year, today I am sharing my interview with the one and only Valerie Fuentes! You may recall my interview with her a few months ago that was a part of the Unapologetic Badasses Summit. This time, she was kind enough to include me in her Overcoming Medical Hair Loss Summit. I love chatting with Valerie for many reasons. The biggest reason is because it feels like she is my soul sista. We have so many common threads in our stories and I feel such a connection to her and her journey.

During this interview we chatted about my alopecia, Baldie Boo, the importance of mental health treatment, dating & relationships, and even my favorite funny alopecia story. Check it out and let me know what you think!! Love you guys! Hope everyone is staying happy, safe, healthy, and protecting their mental space. xoxoxo   

Be sure to follow Valerie and all of her inspirational posts and interviews!

Valerie’s Website & Instagram

Alopecia Awareness Month...Here We Come!

Wow...it has been a hot second since I wrote a full on blog entry. Like most people, I cannot believe September is right around the corner. This has been the fastest, slow year of my life! Life without masks and social distancing feels like centuries ago. I’m pretty anxious for November. I wish people would realize that in the history of mankind, nobody ever changed their political opinion by arguing in the comments of a Facebook post. Or worse yet...LinkedIn. My hope is that the keyboard warriors will take a break from random on-screen arguments and take a minute to enjoy the joy that is Tik Tok. While I waste approximately 948,000 hours a week watching videos of dances I’ll never be able to do (how...just HOW can everyone in the world do splits but me????), I have fallen down the rabbit hole that is organization Tik Tok. The plus side is that thanks to this,my dresser drawers now look Marie Kondo AF. Thank you Tik Tok. No regrets. 

In other news, Alopecia Awareness month is right around the corner! Woot woot! It is so crazy to me that it was almost a year ago that I went to work for the very first time without my wig on! (Check out this blog post for the lowdown on how it went) Now here we are again. Another September and life couldn’t be further from what it was 52 weeks ago. You know how men partake in no-shave November? I'm toying around with the idea of no-wig September. I will still wear wigs during my workouts because it helps keep the sweat out of my eyes, but for everything else, perhaps I should just be bald? Work conference calls, grocery stores, and well, that's pretty much all I do these days so I suppose the buck stops there? What do you think? Yay? Nay?  

Speaking of Alopecia Awareness month, last week I was lucky enough to sit down with my company’s Women’s Network to have a virtual chat about my hair loss journey. The funny thing is, this event was originally scheduled for St. Patrick’s day (aka my girl Carrissa’s b-day!). I apparently did not have the luck of the Irish on my side, and like most social gatherings in 2020, the event was cancelled due to a little thing called COVID-19. For a brief period of time, I held onto hope that this pandemic would simma down now and I’d be able to have my event in a room full of friendly faces. But once again, COVID said, “Girl..BYE”, and virtual it was. 

I really love the way it turned out and am so excited to share it with all of you! A huge shoutout to my girls Alison Moy (President of the DISH Women’s Network) and Leigh Rasmussen (Vice President of the DISH Women’s Network) for making this happen. I’m telling you, this blog will not be the last time you read about these amazing women. They are such bad asses paving the way for many women to come!! 

With that, here is the recording of my interview. Hope you enjoy it! 

All Things Alopecia With Valerie Fuentes

I was lucky enough to cross paths with Valerie a few weeks ago when she invited me to join her Unapologetic Badasses - Hair Loss Edition Summit. This was my first time doing a “face to face” interview about my alopecia journey. It didn’t feel like an interview as much as it felt like chatting with an amazing friend. I’m forever grateful for the people Baldie Boo continues to bring into my life. Thank you Valerie for allowing me to participate in your summit. I’m forever grateful for you!

Follow Valerie (you won’t regret it!):
Valerie Fuentes Instagram

Valerie Fuentes Website

A Little Thing Called Loss

Not gonna lie, lately my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF. It feels like a weighted blanket, but instead of soothing me, it’s smothering me. The thing is, I’ve spent the better part of the last decade experiencing loss in some form. Loss of trust, relationships, self, hair, happiness...the list goes on and on. The sensation of loss has always been such a constant in my life that it has become a toxic normal.  

Now, in the midst of a pandemic, where loss is everywhere, I’m seemingly loss-free. I am so grateful for this, but also so scared of it too. All week I’ve been feeling this crushing fear that I’m due. That it’s my time to feel pain again. As much as I try to channel my inner Brene Brown and push those thoughts out of my head, they’ve taken residence in my brain and I feel that fear in every inch of my body all day every day.

I had been planning on writing this post all week, but I had no idea what was to come this weekend. Perhaps my anxiety came from Spirit, the Universe, God, or my Angels preparing me? Or maybe it was all a coincidence. I’m still struggling to wrap my brain around it.

On Saturday I accompanied my bf to his eye appointment. I left to do a little shopping and when I returned there was a patient lying on the floor in the middle of the lobby. The rest is a blur of panic as it became clear he was in extreme distress. Next thing I knew, I was watching my boyfriend perform CPR. I think I was yelling “Come back to us, please come back to us”, or maybe I was just screaming that in my head? He was a stranger, but my god did I need him back. I needed him to open his eyes and make it through. I was begging God to keep him with us.

The paramedics took over and soon after they left, we learned that this gentleman had crossed over. This was my first time seeing someone pass right in front of me.

I don’t know who his friends or family are, but I wish I could tell them that in his last moments he was surrounded by people who were in his corner. Everything that could have been done to keep him with us was done. I witnessed my boyfriend and an assistant doing absolutely everything in their power to save this man’s life.

While I didn’t know you Robert, I will hold you in my heart forever. You are a part of my life now and I will always think about you. What were you like, what made you laugh, what were your interests, what are you up to in heaven? I had no idea that the loss I was about to feel was going to be you. I will pray that you are at peace. Please know that there is a group of strangers here in Colorado who will think of you often and hope you are shining bright up above.

2020 The Year Of The Alopecians

Guys the last couple weeks have been amazing for the alopecia community. First Ricki Lake went public with her struggles with hair loss. Then Representative Ayanna Pressley shared that she lost all of her hair to alopecia this past year. I’m not going to lie, Rep. Pressley’s candid conversation about her alopecia gave me alllllll of the feels. It is emotional seeing women with such large platforms coming forward with their stories of hair loss. When I first lost my hair in 2015, I remember scouring the internet looking for female “celebrities” who were also dealing with hair loss. With close to 7 million people in the U.S. who have been affected by alopecia, I assumed there had to be a few ladies in the public eye who were dealing with it too. My searches hit dead end after dead end. I don’t know why, but it felt heart breaking not to find anyone. All I wanted was a “Celebrities, they are just like us!” moment so I could feel a tiny sense of normalcy. Which I know is ridiculous because celebs are nothing like us, but I yearned for a to connect with someone who was traveling in my same shoes. I was desperate to find a woman who had bald forced upon them, but was still out there killing the game in life. I wanted to find anybody who could help me see that it was going to be okay. 

When Rep. Pressley’s video and article started making the rounds, I felt this overwhelming sense of oh hellllllll yes! This is exactly what the alopecia community needs! 2015 Supriya would have done anything to see a video like this in my first months as a bald woman. The emotions and experiences she describes are so on point that it gives me goosebumps. It feels like she read my mind and was sharing my thoughts with the world. 

Some of my favorite quotes:

“I did not want to go to sleep because I did not want the morning to come, where I would remove this bonnet and my wrap and be met with more hair in the sink and an image in the mirror, in the mirror of a person who increasingly felt like a stranger to me.”

“I was wearing this wig, fully clothed. But in that moment, I couldn’t recall the last time I’d ever felt more naked.”

 “I didn’t have the luxury of mourning what felt like the loss of a limb. It was a moment of transformation, not of my choosing”

“I felt naked, exposed, vulnerable. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt betrayed.”

I felt these quotes in my SOUL! I  will never forget the days where sleep was my biggest fear. Every night I prayed that I would wake up and the hair loss would be done. Yet every morning I would wake up to find more piles of hair on my pillow case. And when I purchased my first wig, I thought I would finally feel normal. Instead, I felt like the elephant in the room. I felt vulnerable, scared, and shameful of my secret. I felt like my wig was actually a light up sign on my head that read, “Look at her! It’s sideshow Sup! She is bald! That is a wig!” Like Rep. Pressley, I didn’t have the luxury of mourning what felt like the loss of a limb. Say it again with me, I didn’t have the luxury of mourning what felt like the loss of a limb. My God, truer words have never been spoken! There is no mourning time with alopecia. It is a loss that is felt daily, but society expects you to function as if nothing has changed. I couldn’t call off of work every time alopecia sent my mind into a state of disarray. If I had, I would have called off every single day for 2 and a half years. Life must go on no matter how badly you miss your hair. No matter how devastated you are that your hair is now gone and there is a chance you will never see it again for the rest of your life. After all, to society, “At least it's just hair”. Words that are so easy to say until you become the person whose hair was lost in a matter of months.  

This is why stories like Rep. Pressely and Ricki Lake are just SO IMPORTANT. There is comfort and solace in knowing the emotions you are feeling are shared by other women in all walks of life. From a bad ass congresswoman, to an iconic talk show host and actress. It fills my cup knowing these stories are out there inspiring others on their hair loss journeys. It is further proof that you can have success, you can have happiness, and you can have love regardless of if you have hair or not!!!

If you haven’t seen the article from The Root yet, here is the link. You will not be disappointed. Thank your Representative Pressley for being so raw and inspiring. You are truly out here changing lives!

THE Representative Ayanna Pressley

Tis The Season

I’m in a few different facebook groups, and I notice a common theme this time of year. The joy of engagements mixed with the heartbreak of relationships gone bad. It got me thinking more about my life and my story. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but dating was never my strong suit. I had 0 boyfriends in high school and didn’t even get my first kiss until after I graduated. I grew up in a pretty strict household, and dating wasn’t something I was ever allowed to participate in. Not that it was an option since I never actually got asked out LOL (thank you a lifetime of awkwardness). But I used to dream of it. 

When I got to the rule-free world of college, life was a bit of a free for all. I was so desperate to be loved, but I had no clue how to set my bar high or how to choose a man who bettered my life. Instead I got stuck in a cycle of latching onto men who didn’t want to latch onto me. The end result was a girl who never felt good enough and always felt like she had to change herself to find someone who would love her back equally.

All of this changed in 2010. I thought I met someone who was my “dream man”. The relationship moved quickly and I was instantly swept off my feet. He was so caring, fun, attentive, and loving. At the ripe old age of 27, I thought this is it! I assumed the reason why past relationships never worked out was because I was meant to end up with him. It was like God finally heard my prayers and sent him to me. Or so I thought. Before we started dating, he had accepted a job in Denver, and a few months into our relationship he moved across the country. Once we became long distance, things shifted. There were more fights, but I convinced myself it was because we were long distance and being apart is hard no matter how good the relationship is. Tired of living the long-distance life, I packed up my bags and moved from Ohio to Colorado. I thought this man was going to be my husband one day which made it all worth it.  Welp, we stayed together for 3 tumultuous years and then broke up. LOL. I was completely heartbroken in ways I will never be able to express in words. I didn’t know how I was going to go on. The life I had envisioned for myself shattered right before my eyes. I was willing to do anything to fight for the relationship, and he was done. A couple years later he had a new girlfriend and I had no hair. Life man!  

They say hindsight is 20/20 and boy is that the case when I look back on this. First of all, there were SO MANY red flags from the very beginning of the relationship. Red flags that I was willing to turn a blind eye to because I thought this man was my future husband. I wish I could travel back in time and shake 27 year old Supriya. I wish I could tell her to know her damn worth and set her bar high. I wish I could tell her that marriages are not the end all be all. That it is far more important to find someone who fills your cup (or love tank for my RHOC fans out there) than it is to settle for something in hopes of getting to walk down an aisle. I wish I could tell her that it is okay to walk away from a relationship when you don’t feel like you are being treated right. I wish I could tell her to stop fighting for a relationship that she has known has been broken for so long. I wish I could tell her that thinking someone is your “soulmate” is not a good enough reason to settle for less than what you deserve. I wish I could tell her that if someone doesn’t want you, it is just freeing you to find someone who does. There are just soooo many things I wish I could tell her. 

Now, as a wise old almost 37 year old, it's clear that we were incompatible from the jump. We were both trying to fit a square peg into a round hole knowing it wasn’t going to work. We both made mistakes and we both hurt each other. 27 year old Supriya was too busy trying to have this fairy tale social media relationship, to walk away from something that no longer served her. 

I wanted to share this story for every girl out there experiencing relationship heartbreak over the holidays. I want you to know that relationships end so better can come your way. When your vision of your future life shatters, it means you get a blank slate to create the absolute best life for yourself. Some days it feels like you may cut a bitch if you have to see another social media engagement announcement, but I promise those feelings will go away too. It's easier to be happy for people and know that your time will come when the time is right. I want you to know that there is no need to panic if all of your friends are getting married, and you are nowhere near that point. If I had married any of the men I dated in my 20s, I’d be one miserable girl in my 30s. 

It took me until I was 36 to find a relationship where I finally feel like I am being treated the way I’ve always dreamed of. If this old baldie can find someone who loves her to pieces you will too!! You’ve got this friends! Don’t settle and keep the faith. Holiday blues are normal, BUT the holidays are just about done so go live your best 2020! Love you boos! 

Monat Mo' Problemz

Ever since I started my blog, I’ve received a steady flow of DMs from women who sell Monat. For those of you who don’t know, Monat is the MLM of the hair care world. All of these DMs are nearly identical. “Hey girl! I came across your profile and love it! I work for an exclusive natural hair product line that has helped women with alopecia...etc etc etc.”  At first, I wasn’t super bothered by it. I’ve been there. I used to be a beachbody coach and I know allllll about how this MLM world works. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I still feel icky about the messages I sent people to get them to buy product and/or join my team. BARF! Can we add dipping my toe into the MLM world to the robust list of things I regret from my 20s? Somewhere in between plucking my eyebrows down to tiiiiiny lines and frat boys.  

Anyways back to Monat. Guys, I’m annoyed. Not so much at the people who message me, but more so at Monat for feeding these lines to these women who have NO CLUE (sorry in advance for the caps lock yells) what alopecia truly entails or feels like. Say it with me…Alopecia is an autoimmune disease and THERE IS NO CURE FOR ALOPECIA (screams with a quivering lip and tear). Spontaneous regeneration can always happen. Meaning your immune system can calm the F down and your hair can grow back. It happens all the time. It’s the reason why I have a random wild turnip of hair growing on the back of my head while the rest of me is as bald as a Beluga Whale. Even the medical treatments are not a cure. Instead they suppress your immune system which can cause your hair to grow back. There is no guarantee though, and the only medication that has shown consistent results requires you to take it for the rest of your life. Otherwise say bye bye to your hair all over again. 

Which means if Monat actually did a damn thing to help women with alopecia, literally every baldie I know would keep gallon jugs of it in their bathrooms. It is so hard though. When you have alopecia, there can be a long period of frantic cure searching. It is a deep rooted desperation to get your hair back at all costs. Monat is coaching its sales peeps to prey on this. Plain and simple. Sure, they may have a handful of “testimonials” from women who claim they got their hair back because of it. Sure, they probably have a doc or two who got paid to talk about how it is the cure all! Truth is, those are the outliers. Those are the youtube videos they will send you to get your hopes up and wallets empty. I mean you guys, I used to sell shakeology and the number of times I shared videos about how shakeology cures XYZ is just so embarrassing. At the time I believed it. I believed that these videos had to be true and would help me grow my biz into a massive cash cow. SMH. 

Now truly, this blog isn’t here to bash the living poop out of MLMs. I can respect the hustle. What I can’t respect is sliding into the DMs of someone who is so heartbroken and devastated by their hair loss and preying on that to make a quick product sale. The ick factor of that is NEXT LEVEL.

All of this to say, leave your local baldies alone, go sell to your friends who have hair, and if I get another voice message in my DMs from a Monat sales person, I may flush my phone down the toilet. That is all friends. That is all. 

PS on a completely unrelated note, I accidently burned pasta today. So that happened…womp womp!

November 7th, 2017

I often get asked, “What changed?” How did I go from a broken girl who was letting alopecia shatter the last pieces of her soul to a girl who is out here living her very best life? There are many layers to this answer, but the biggest one dates back to 2 years ago today. Tuesday November 7th, 2019. 

Leading up to that Tuesday, everything was hunky dorey. I thought I felt a cold coming on, but it was November and what’s Fall without another cold to remind me why I loathe chilly weather? Sunday I went to the gym and lifted my normal weights and ran my normal 3 miles and enjoyed a lovely day of being a crazy cat lady. Monday morning rolled around and I noticed I had an ache in my chest. I briefly debated going to the doctor, but figured they’d tell me it was viral and send me home with a bill and no relief in hand. Every cough and laugh made the pain just a little bit worse. After consulting my online physician aka Google, I diagnosed myself with pleurisy and called it a day. After work I headed to the gym per usual. I’m a sweat an illness out kinda gal tried and true. Today was different though. I got on the elliptical and could barely breathe. Something about that movement was bugging my lungs. Annoyed I got off the elliptical and got on the treadmill. It literally felt like someone was stabbing my lungs and I had to stop. Which should have been my red flag, but I have a known history of ignoring red flags. Instead of going home I got more annoyed and decided to lift weights. While adjusting the cable tower I noticed a sharp shooting pain up the side of my ribs through my shoulder. My dumb ass just ignored it and continued my workout. “Great, a cold AND a pulled muscle?!?!” I thought. I was NOT a happy camper.  

Tuesday I woke up and the pain was STILL there. Both in my chest and up my side and shoulder. I was perplexed. Things got stranger as the day progressed. The walk from my car to the office was EXHAUSTING. I felt off the whole day. Finally, common sense sank in and I made the decision to go to the doctor. The doctor gave me an asthma treatment, took some blood for a d-dimer blood test, and sent me on my way. She told me if the blood test came back positive, they’d call me and I’d have to go to the emergency room to check for a blood clot.

I walked into my apartment ready to eat a quick snack and go to the gym…because I am an insane person. I assumed there was no chance in hell this test was going to come back positive. Then it happened. The most excruciating awful pain I’ve ever felt in my entire line. It literally felt like my ribs were exploding out of my body. I called my mom and wailed to her on the phone for an hour. I tried sitting, standing, laying and everything in between. Nothing was working. I popped 5 ibuprofens in hopes of some relief (10/10 do not recommend). This was the pulled muscle from hell…or so I thought. Just as the ibuprofen was starting to kick in, the doctor called. The test was positive and they wanted me to go to the ER right away. I knew there was no way I could drive because if the pain came back, I’d probably crash my car. I called my friend Sally and without hesitation she took me to the hospital. 

Reading this back, I realize all the signs are there, but at the time I still assumed I was fine. While waiting for my MRI results, I predicted the Dr. would come in, tell me I had a respiratory infection and tell me to go home. Yeeeeeah about that. Instead the Dr. came in and told me I had a massive pulmonary embolism branching into both sides of my lungs that was also straining the right side of my heart. SURPRISE! She was shocked that I looked as okay as I did and that my oxygen levels were fine because it was such a large blood clot sitting right smack in my pulmonary artery. Also those pains I was feeling? Not so much a pulled muscle. It was caused by a pulmonary infarct. AKA the blood clot was blocking of blood to cells in my lung that then died. Definitely guessed wrong on that one. I got admitted into the hospital to be monitored and started a course of blood thinners. After 2 days, lots of visitors, and my parents flying into town, I was released.

Thank you Snap Chat for this Hospital bed selfie…

Everything happened SO quickly that I struggled to wrap my brain around it all. Instead I just threw myself another classic Supriya pity party. Why me?! Why did I have to move to Colorado with a crappy BF and stay in a terrible relationship and go through a terrible break up and then get alopecia and lose all of my hair and then get a pulmonary embolism?! Why why whyyyy? A few weeks later I had a follow up appointment and my doctor said something that really hit me. She said if I hadn’t gone to the doctor that day, I would have likely died. The embolism would have either grown or moved and cut off blood supply to my heart. I had spent sooo much time dreading my 35th bday only to learn I almost didn’t make it to my 35th bday. 

That was my reality check and one hell of a wake up call. They (whoever “they” are) say life is too short. Well folks, “they” are right. It finally started to click that this wasn’t a why me situation. It was a holy shit balls did I get lucky situation. It was an OMG I could have died but I lived situation! It was an I don’t have my hair but I have my life kinda situation. I let those thoughts simmer inside of my brain as February and the big 3-5 crept closer. That birthday, February 3rd 2018, I thanked God, the Universe, and everything in between for giving me the gift of making it to that day. I made a decision to start living like I’ve never lived before. Because it took almost losing my life for me to truly start living again.

How Did My Smile Turn Upside Down?!?!

Hello friends! Long time no talk. I realize my weekly blog schedule has taken a bit of a halt. I really have no excuse other than my creative mind just wasn’t flowing. I’ve decided not to force blog posts because I want the content to actually be good and authentic and not forced. I feel like you can tell when someone is writing what they want to write versus writing something they have to write. Ya know what I am saying? I plan on putting more effort into posting on my IG page since that is where I get to connect with people the most. PS LOVE when you all send me messages! Literally makes my heart so full that you are so comfortable sharing your life with me! I will post on here when I have things to talk about that cant be captured in a small photo caption.

This week was weird because I didn’t feel good, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Was it because half my office is hacking up their left lungs? Good guess, but no. I started the week feeling off. I was extra spacey in the AMs which is my tell-tale sign that my anxiety is higher than normal. Woke up EXHAUSTED everyday even though my sleep schedule has been exactly the same, and stayed tired all day long. My attention span was equivalent to a puppy in a tennis ball factory. My desire to do anything was negative 3000 while my desire to sleep all day was 100% squared. I had a million waves of wanting to cry for no reason. After checking my P Tracker app and confirming I wasn’t on the cusp of another shark week, it hit me….Fing seasonal depression!! Right on time for its annual appearance.

When Fall is in the air, life becomes a little meh for this girl..

If I research the life and times of Supriya, I will find a very robust chapter that includes my Fall/Winter blues. While the rest of the basic b*tch population is doing back flips over sweaters and PSLs, I live in dread of my least favorite time of the year. This year it caught me so off guard because not only am I in a relationship, I’m actually in a good relationship where the person enjoys making me happy vs making me a sad cry face. My years of being single and my years of dating terrible humans has always been a huge component of my end of year/new year depression. I mean, who wants to be alone or in a garbage relationship when the rest of the world is celebrating every couples holiday known to man and blasting it all over social media? Couples costumes for Halloween, family thanksgivings, cuddly Xmas day pics, a sweet NYE date, and Valentines Day. Not to mention, my bday is right before V-day. This is typically the time of the year where I want to lock myself in a cabinet and come out in March.

So why the hell am I feeling that depression cloud slowly starting to form over my head? I’ll tell you why, my body does not do well in the winter. I do well when my days are filled with sunshine and warmth. I go into a mild shut down when the only time I get to experience sunshine is through an office window. Granted we aren’t quite there yet. I still have a few more weeks of at least getting some evening sun. Phew!

That’s the thing about depression that I always forget. Even when life is as good as its ever been, even when you only have good people in your life, even when you enjoy your job and have passion projects to fill your cup, depression can still choose to show up and shake up your world. It is a not so friendly reminder that my brain will FOREVER be my own worst enemy. The upside is that this year it shouldn’t be as bad as its been in years prior(*crosses fingers, says a prayer, lights a candle, makes a wish on a star*). In the past whether single or in a relationship, I’ve always felt mind numbingly alone during the holidays. This is the first year that it won’t be an issue because the person who I am spending my life does SO much to make me feel loved. Humble brag for the BF. Which means this year its him and I against this winter blues and we are going to win! Mostly because I will probably be spending too much time laughing at his chili farts while we watch 90 Day Fiance together. Can’t wait til he reads that part. :)

Shout out to all of my peeps who experience this every year too. Know that I am in it with you and we are going to kick some depression ass together!

Started At The Bottom

Somedays I post on my Baldie Boo Instagram and get comments from people telling me they wish they could be as brave as me. It is the best to receive compliments like that, but when I read them, I feel like that puzzled giphy. You know the one. Where the girl is standing there confused as math problems swirl around her head. Brave is never a word I’ve associated with myself. Except on days where I’m having an anxiety attack and I repeatedly tell myself to be brave over and over again. Which just happened to happen today while I was driving to a friend’s wedding shower. Do any of you get driving anxiety? I do and it can be THE WORST. I spent a solid 30 min telling myself to be brave while trying to convince my brain that a semi was not going to plow through my car on my way up North. It is like I am an American Ninja Warrior and everyday my brain is giving me a new warped wall to scale. Anywho, it got me thinking about my alopecia journey. How did I go from the girl who would have rather eaten fried worms than appear in public bald, to the girl who now has a social media dedicated to her bald head and just went to work wig free?!? I came up with a list of things that helped me get to this point and I thought I’d dig deeper into each one in the coming weeks. This week’s contender—attitude of gratitude! Raise your hand if your life completely changed after watching ‘The Secret’ and you’ve spent every day since waiting for checks in the mail! *Raises Hand* Seriously though, I know some people think it is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I swear it’s a real thing! The more things in life you can be grateful for, the happier and more fulfilling life becomes. I’m not completely unrealistic about. I know I could write “I am so grateful and thankful for my beautiful hair” 84 trillion times a day, and my head will stay as bald as can be (said from personal experience because you know I tried!). I get it. BUT I find that journaling things I’m grateful has helped me heal over the years. When I am not actively seeking out things to be grateful for, my brain has a tendency to dip into the emo side of life. You know how it goes— 

“UGH I don’t have hair wahhh”“Why is my life always so hard wahhh”“Nothing ever works out in my favor wahhhh”*Turns on early 2000 Avirl Lavigne and sits in a corner and sulks*

 When I seek out things to be grateful for, I feel lighter. It makes me feel like I am a hop, skip, and a jump away from finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Which is why I love to write in a gratitude journal every night. Putting those uplifting words to paper helps them become engrained in my brain. It helps me feel strong when I’m not sure if I have strength. It makes me feel in control even on the days where alopecia feels like it has taken all control. It makes me feel refreshed and like a new woman ready to take on the world! The funny thing is, the more I find to be grateful for, the more positive I feel. The more positive I feel, the more pieces of my life start to fall together. The more pieces of my life start to fall to together, the more grateful I feel. And so, continues the circle of life! So where do you begin? I suggest start small so it is not too daunting. Three things everyday that you are happy and grateful for. Annnd GO! One of my favorites is “I am so happy and grateful I am 100% healed inside and out!” I’ve written this one for years, and I’m sure you’re thinking…ummm if you were 100% healed wouldn’t you have all of your hair and no anxiety?! Possibly, BUT I will tell you one thing, I have more confidence and happiness now than I ever did when I had hair. To me, that is far more healed than I have ever been in my entire life. Just give it a fighting shot and let it work for you too! PS This week was extra exciting for me because one of my followers (@ishii_fishii) was inspired by my ‘don’t bring your wig to work day’ and followed suit! She stepped into her office minus wig, minus scarf, plus a boat load of amazing and supportive coworkers in their alopecia blue! I thought my heart was going to explode when I saw her coworkers celebrating her mental victory!! If you get a chance, stop by her Instagram page and give her a shout out. I am sooo proud to have been a very tiny part of her major win!

She Came, She Saw, She Conquered

A couple months ago I had this crazy ass thought. Go to work without my wig. Now granted, this thought has popped into my head before. Mostly on days where my wig is hot, itchy, pokey, or just plain annoying. However, on those days it was never a serious thought. More of a, “UGH I SHOULD JUST RIP THIS DUMB THING OFF” knowing very well I’d rather give up reality tv for life than show up at my work with my scalp exposed for the world to see. It was a shock, even to myself, when I started considering it seriously. It’s honestly very possible I was abducted by aliens and the normal scaredy cat Supriya is locked in a space ship while this alien Supriya who has a tiny smidge more of confidence has replaced me. The jury is still out. When Alopecia Awareness Month rolled around, I knew it was now or never. The first week of September I went on Amazon and ordered a couple alopecia shirts with the intention of having bald Friday occur on 9/6. The delivery dates had other ideas and my plans got pushed to 9/13. Friday the 13th, full moon, and my big bald head! I mean some would say that is the perfect trifecta. I told a few people knowing the more people I told, the less likely I could back out. On 9/12 I fully committed to the cause. I sent an email to my friends at work and told them my plans and to wear blue (alopecia blue to be exact) if they wanted to show support. I knew once I sent the email I was locked in. I pressed send and started shaking and sweating. This was it. It was happening.

Trying to keep my cool on the ride in. Emphasis on trying.

Friday morning my alarm went off and my nerves kicked in. Its funny because I can actually feel those same nerves now as I re-live that day. It is still all so surreal. I showered, threw on my nifty alopecia awareness ribbon shirt, slapped on some red lips (the perfect accessory to a bald head if you ask me), said a prayer I wouldn’t poop my pants in fear at work, and headed out the door. Many people asked me if I was going to keep my wig in the car, and the answer is no. I was ALL IN! Until I got into the parking garage that is. Then I was ALL NERVES. My heart was racing, the shakes were back, and I was so scared. What did I commit to?! I normally get to work pretty early so I was able to speed walk into the building without seeing many people. I sat down at my desk and waved hello to two of my teammates. They were in blue smiling excitedly at me. My heart was literally racing a mile a minute. I started to compose myself. “You can do this Supriya. You can do this” I kept telling myself over and over and over. All the meanwhile I was starting to sweat through my shirt, my hands were a quivering mess, and I was realizing just how cold office AC can be when you don’t have a wig on your head to keep you warm and toasty. 

Then it started happening. The trickle of blue. Tameka, Dan, and Greg! High fives, hugs, photo op. They were so excited for me. The trickle quickly turned into a stream. Wyatt, Kanchan, Sujay, Casey, Taylor, Greg, Haley, Genna, Hosanna, Brandon, Marie, Wes, Melinda, Rachel, Ashleigh, Colleen, John, my entire team, and so many others were wearing blue in support! Then it turned into a river. Friends off site were sending me pictures (Venrick, Ashley, Tiph, Jordan, Zigs, Andrew), friends who used to work with me were sending me pictures (Kathryn, Eddie), friends who couldn’t be there that day were texting me. Everywhere I looked I saw more and more blue and my world was taken over by an army of support. At lunch time it was apparent that my river was a massive ocean. My friend Rachel arranged to have us meet outside for a group photo. I expected a handful of people to show up tops. I stood on the patio and waited. I had completely underestimated what was actually going to happen. I was in complete shock witnessing the number of friends pouring out of the door in support of me and alopecia!!!!! I looked to the left and saw Amy (who is on maternity leave!) walk in with a stroller and her new born Decker in his blue! I could not believe how many people were out there with me. I still cannot wrap my head around it. If I named everyone, this blog would turn into a never-ending list of names. While I stood on the photo with all of these amazing humans, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emotions. I’ve never known what it is like to receive this type of love and support. I can only imagine that this is what Taylor Swift feels like every single moment of her life. It is a moment that will be engrained in my memory forever!

My ocean of Alopecia BLUE!

As the day went on, I got to sit down and have conversations with people about what it is like to have alopecia. What the struggles feel like. What triumphs feel like. I’ve worked at my company for 8.5 years. 4.5 years with hair and 4 years without. For the first time, I was able to just relax and have open honest conversations about the things I’d spent so much of my career hiding. For the first time, I was able to be me. I didn’t whisper about my wig. I didn’t worry people would hear me say the word wig. I didn’t have to worry that people who didn’t know about my alopecia would realize I was wearing wig. For once, I didn’t feel embarrassed and ashamed to be the person in the office with alopecia. For the very first time, I felt empowered to be the person in the office with alopecia. There are moments in life that will change your life forever. Full harvest moon and Friday the 13th of September 2019 is a day that completely changed my life. I’ve always loved the quote “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. It is safe to say my life began on Friday.

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So, what is next? Will I quit wigs and embrace being an alien head going forward? Full time--Definitely not. I love my wigs and don’t plan on giving them up! Part time though, I’m not sure! This day was meant to be a challenge. To see if I could grow a pair big enough to accomplish the task at hand. Now that it is over and done with, I realize that I can do whatever I want and that is wonderfully freeing. I can wear my wig, I can go bald, I can wear different wigs, and everything in between! It is so wild that I can literally just LIVE and so LIVE is what I will do.

“The comeback is always greater than the setback” ~Mike “The Situation” (Don’t judge my love for Jersey Shore guys!)

Fear, Coasters, and Alopecia Awareness

September is Alopecia Awareness month. It is the month where us baldies shout from the rooftops and edumacate our hairy friends on what is like to have your immune system go haywire and sign you up for a Rock look alike contest. For me, alopecia and fear go hand in hand. Actually, if I’m being completely fear has ruled everything around me since birth. Probably since the womb. All alopecia has done is given me a boat load of new things to be afraid of. Last weekend, I got to erase one of those items off the list. Amusement parks. Not just any amusement park. Cedar Point. If you grew up anywhere near northeast Ohio, you know that Cedar Point is basically the best amusement park ever times 10. However, in my mind, wigs and roller coasters were never meant to go hand in hand. Unless you are trying to end up in a viral video where the whole world witnesses your wig flying off mid ride. This is why I put roller coasters on my list of things I “can’t” do (by can’t I mean won’t because I may poop my pants from fear). I LOVE roller coasters, but I had no idea how I would manage the logistics of it all. So, I just avoided it. Then I started dating a Colorado native who had never been to Cedar Point. Since it is an Ohio must, we made a decision in May that we would go back to Ohio in August to give him the full adrenaline experience. I had exactly 3 months to concoct a plan. Yet I was going back and forth and back and forth on what I was going to until the week of the trip.Obviously, going wig-free would have been the easiest option and I did seriously consider it until my anxiety crept in and told me to consider something else. Next, I thought of wearing my Yaffa wig. It has an adjustable band and I can get it to sit pretty snugly on my dome. However, my Yaffa is a $3000 wig. I just couldn’t risk the chance of 3 grand literally flying off my head. So, I scoured my Amazon for days looking for a suitable synthetic. Buying cheap wigs on Amazon can be so hit or miss. You can end up with something surprisingly adorbs, or you could end up with something that looks like a straw mop. I must have had a wig angel that day because what I ordered was PERFECT!! A wig with an attached headband that I could wear in a HIGH PONY! You heard it folks. Momma rocked a high pony for the first time in FOUR YEARS!!! For added insurance, I used my Milano wigs wig-grip to keep that puppy in place. Finally, I found a tank top with a hood to add an extra, extra level of security. And guys let me tell you it was *chefs kiss* PERFECT! I think I would have been okay without the hood, but I took comfort in the fact that the hood would catch the wig if it fell off. I had SO MUCH fun! It was also entertaining to see the looks I got when tying up my hood before each ride. I will take those looks over the looks of people witnessing my wig flying off any day of the week. So, if you are an adrenaline junkie baldie who is missing the coaster life, you MUST try my method.The next thing I’m going to erase off my fear list is a bit scarier. This Friday I am going to go to work for the very first time without a wig. My stomach is doing puke flips just thinking about it. Its happening friends. Stay tuned for that post!

Instant Mashed Potato Life

Lately my brain has felt like a pile of mashed potatoes. Not even the tasty kind. More like the kind that was once dehydrated flakes and now has turned into mashed potatoes. 2 blog posts ago I mentioned to you all that my bf has a family member in the hospital. I don’t want to get into the details about who it is and why they are in there. Mostly because it is their business and it is not my struggle to share. Because of this, my life has been on the following schedule for the past 2.5 weeks:   

Time	Activity
3:45AM-3:50AM	Wake up (yes you read the time correctly)
4:20AM-4:30AM	Go to gym
4:45AM-6:00AM	Workout
6:00AM-6:30AM	Get ready for work
6:30AM-7:00AM	Drive to work
7:00AM-4:00PM	WERK
4:00PM-4:45PM	Drive to hospital
5:00PM-6:45PM	Hospital visit
7:00PM-7:20PM	Drive home
7:20PM-8:00PM	Get situated for the next day--pack gym bag, style wig, pack lunch
8:00PM-8:15PM	Make dinner
8:15PM-8:30PM	Eat dinner and watch TV
8:30PM-8:45PM	Get ready for bed
8:45PM	Go to bed

 Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. To be clear. I don’t have a problem with any of this. When family needs you, you step up. That is just what you do. It doesn’t change the fact that my brain is worn out. I am an empath to the core and by body soaks up energy like a sponge. Being in the hospital means being surrounded by such an exhausting mix of sad and negative energy day in and day out. Going there everyday means a steady flow of these emotions taking over my body. It’s taken constant work to remind myself that while this is tough, I CANNOT make this about me. It is someone else who is struggling and someone else who is in the hospital fighting. Me not firing on all cylinders is a luxurious problem that anyone in that hospital would trade me ailments for.  So yeah, I guess this week I am just brain dumping. However I hope this helps you understand why it has been a smidge tougher for me to be as consistent with my Baldie Boo IG page and responding to comments and messages. Forgive me boos!!  Next week I plan on taking my wig to an AMUSEMENT park. Can we just say a prayer that I don't get wig snatched by velocity and g-forces? Mmmmkay thanks!! :) Love you guys!

Drop It Like Its Hot

On Saturday I dedicated my evening to a wild night of sipping beers and washing wigs. Nothing says party like awkwardly sitting on the bathroom floor while washing an expensive pile of hair in a bucket. After 2 hours of air drying, I set up my normal drying station. Blow dryer, hair products, flat iron, brush, and ipad. I don’t fully understand why it takes me 78974545512 times more time to dry my wig hair than it did my bio hair, but this is just one of the many medical mysteries of alopecia. To help kill some time, I always throw on a bingey TV show. I am one of those weirdos who will binge watch the same show 1-2x a year for the rest of eternity. This week’s choice was Sex and the City. Do you guys remember the episode when Samantha and Carrie go wig shopping after Samantha lost her hair to chemo? It goes something like this: 

Wig shop owner: [places wig on Samantha] This is Candy. Shes very popular.

Samantha: I dont think you're listening. I dont want to look like Candy, I just want to look like myself.

Wig shop owner: Ma'am, these are wigs. They're not ever gonna look exactly like you. 

Samantha: That is not acceptable 

Wig shop owner: We could style the bangs. 

Samantha: Don't touch my head. 

Wig shop owner: I've worked with many women with cancer. 

Samantha: I don't have cancer. I have a premier and I don't want some second rate wig named after a hooker. My hair is my thing. This [hands wig back] is bull shit. 

I just sat there and laughed. Holy relatable batman. “I just want to look like myself”. There came a point on my alopecia journey where I realized that no wig was ever going to make me look like my old self. No matter the price, no matter the brand. Sure they help me feel more like my old self, give me confidence, and hide my alopecia from the world. However there will never be a day where I slap a wig on my head and think, "Oh man that looks like 2014 Supriya! No doubt!" Yeeeeah that is just not a thing.Speaking of, I had a moment of alopecia disdain on Friday. I was out on the town for my girl Alanna’s bachelorette party! We posed for a photo together and my eyebrow had the classic alopecia sheen. The one that comes hand in hand with having no actual hair growing from your brows. Yes, my brows have tats and makeup, but no matter what I do that sheen always remains. I looked at our pic and the first thing I noticed was the glimmering shine coming from my brow. Seriously, why is that?! There has got to be some makeup magic that fixes it and I am just too much of a newb to figure it out. To top that off, we were dancing our booties off and my head felt like a hot tub of sweat and heat. At one point I went into a bathroom stall, took off my wig, and used some TP to dry it off. Can’t a girl just drop it like its hot without having to worry about the aftermath to her wig?! Minus those two things, I had an amazing night out. Alopecia can work my nerves, piss me off, and make me embarrassed, but you better believe I am NOT going to let this shit ruin my nights out with my gals! 

Where Ya Been Baldie Boo?!

I just realized my last blog post was a full MONTH ago. July and early August have been so crazy that it feels like July didn’t even happen. The fact that it is August has got me SHOOK. To give you a quick play by play of end of June through now: Bf and I helped move his bro move out of the bf's condo and made the decision to replace the floors and update the paint in his condo (HGTV eat your heart out), packed up the bf’s place to prep for the contractors, spent endless hours ripping out flooring that was glued down to concrete (just call me sup the tool (wo)man surender), packed up my apartment (threw out allll the things), celebrated the bf’s bday (by celebrate I mean he updated the grout in his bathroom while I packed…talk about a parrrrrrtay), loaded up a moving truck and hauled my thangs to the bf’s (and now MY) place, did some SERIOUS unpacking, got a membership at a big kid gym (so far it is creeper free and meathead full), got myself a new car (I will miss you my sweet 12 year old Sonata), got a new dishwasher and learned it meant plumbers had to come out to fix some archaic pipes (#adulting), got interviewed and published on Voyage Denver (woot woot!!), and had a bf family emergency that has resulted in us spending many days in the hospital this week. It has been a whirlwind of good stress, bad stress, excitement, anxiety, happiness, and exhaustion. In times like this I become very nervous that the stress will light a fire under my alopecia’s butt and take my eyelashes again. The only change I’ve noticed so far is that my nose hairs seem to be falling out again (gross I KNOW). Nothing like blowing your nose and seeing a bunch of hairs in your tissues. I’m actually gagging as I type it. My apologies if you are too. While we are on the topic of things that make me gag, I am having a psoriasis flare in my pits. BUT that seems to be the worst of it (*knocks on wood*). If it isn’t one autoimmune disease, it is another. Rude. The turnip growing on the top of my head continues to grow in length, but it seems localized to one spot. Its long enough for me to give it a little wash with shampoo and conditioner. I forgot how much I enjoyed the feeling of washing my hair. However, I think I am ready to shave it off. Having this random skosh of thick hair is not the luscious hair life I’m trying to live. Other than that, life is truly good and I’m excited to  dedicate more time to this blog as life settles back down to its normal routine. xoxoxo love ya my little baldie boo crew! Thank you for being patient with me while I get back on track!

Home Sweet Home

You want to know what is wild? I am moving in with my boyfriend in a couple weeks. I moved into my current apartment almost one year ago exactly. It was July of 2018 when I left behind an apartment that filled with hurt and tough times. My old apartment is where I simmered in pain from the aftermath of being in a terrible relationship with the wrong person for three years. It is where I sat single for 5 years feeling palpable level of loneliness combined with paralyzing fear of putting myself out there again. Fear that somehow I would end up in a relationship worse than the last. It is where I made the decision that I’d rather feel the pain of being lonely than feel the pain of another human tearing me down piece by piece. It is the place I spent days and nights overtaken by depression and anxiety. I’d stare out those windows and contemplate if today was the day that I was going to choose to end it all. I was in that apartment the day I lost my first handful of hair. I cried on those floors the day my hair left me for good. I stared in those mirrors when my eyebrows started to leave me and then my eyelashes. I laid in that bed and screamed in excruciating pain from what I later learned was a pulmonary embolism. It is where I gave my cat Jasper his final kisses and snuggles before sending him over the rainbow bridge.When I left that apartment a year ago, I wasn’t expecting things to change, but boy oh boy was I wrong. My current apartment is where I healed. I don’t look in these mirrors and shed tears over my hair loss. I stare in these mirrors and think of ways to help others who are struggling with alopecian pain. It is these floors that I sit on when I’m laughing at my new kitten Neville and all of his silly antics. It is this bedroom that I sit in when I read all the amazing messages from my fellow alopecia brothers and sisters. Messages of encouragement, messages of emotion, messages of courage. It is here where my days of being single came to an end. It is this apartment that I learned what being in a good relationship is. This apartment taught me that there are good, kind, loving, accepting, supportive men in the world, and it taught me how to found one who is the perfect match for me. These hallways are where I see a man who looks at me exactly the same no matter if I am dressed up to the nines or without hair, brows, and makeup. Here is where I raised the bar for myself. Here is where I learned to live again.Now I am about to leave this amazing apartment for a new adventure in a new place with my new little family. If you had told me a year ago that this is where my life would be now, I would have never believed it. Yet somehow, some way the pieces of my life found a way to fall back into place again. Thank you little apartment. You brought me my happiness back. You helped me find a part of me that I thought I had lost forever. You showed me how to live my best life and not settle for less. I can’t wait to take all of that with me to my wonderful new home. xoxoxo

Hair Dreamin

I had a weird dream this week. A friend was showing me old photos and I saw one of me when I still had hair. I just stared at it because I didn’t think it looked like me. Like I was a different person now and the person in the picture was a distant memory…a stranger even. I normally have crazy dreams so it’s not unusual for me to wake up and be bothered by them for a few hours. This one got me thinking because it has been a thought in the back of my head for a while. Do I still look like myself? Sometimes I see old pictures and think yes, some days I think no. I mean I look so different now. People used to ALWAYS tell me I looked just like my mom. Since alopecia, I’ve noticed that has changed. I rarely hear that anymore. I think it’s because I lost some of those common features. The way her hair grows on her face. The way her eyebrows are shaped. I suppose I can’t expect to look exactly the same. A wig will never look the same as my hair. I’ll never have those weird short hairs on my forehead that used to drive me mad, but also were such a part of me. A wig will never part the way my hair parted and will never sit the way my hair sat. I’ll never have those same eyebrows. Microblading will never create the same face I had when I had my own brows. So, I suppose it’s true. The girl I was is now just a distant memory…
 

Adventures In Food And Workouts

2015 started with a full head of hair. My life was consumed with crossfit, running ½ marathons, and eating paleo. I was miserable. I felt like I was doing everything right. The crossfit community was filled with women who rocked 6 pack abs and put in the same amount of work as me. Yet my body felt like a pile of fluff. I hated eating paleo. I thought shifting focus from calories to eating some caveman style fatty foods would make my food guilt issues way better, but all it did was make them a bazillion times worse. I developed a fear or carbs, wheat, gluten, dairy, legumes, soy, processed foods, low fat foods, restaurant foods, sugar, sandwiches, oats…the list goes on and on. What if I went to a restaurant and the only options contained gluten?!?!?!? THE HORROR! My body is not even the tiniest bit celiac. There was no medical reason for me to act like eating gluten was the same as eating asbestos. On top of that, my body was completely wrecked from lifting too heavy and running too much. Every day I was in extreme pain, but kept pushing through because I had my eye on the prize. I mean if I ate like the Instagram crossfitters and worked out like the Instagram crossfitters, I should look like the Instagram crossfitters?! Right?? WRONG. Finally, I realized I was being ridiculous, and a life of being scared of sandwiches was no longer a life I wanted. After some careful Instagram fitspo research, I decided to do the polar opposite of paleo and start macro counting. I saw pictures of women with perfect bodies who were eating cookies, pop tarts, pizza, oreos, and loaded froyo!! What could go wrong?! If it fit my macros, I could eat it and I would have a bangin bod in no time! I reached out to an IG influencer for a plan. She set me up with workouts and macros to follow. My first red flag should have been the day my WARMUP was 100 lunges. Regardless, I decided to give it a shot. As you may have guessed, my body did not change and I was the heaviest I’ve been in my entire life. I guess daily pop tarts and insane 2 hour/day lifting plans with no cardio weren’t going to give me the body of my dreams. Now a days I say SCREW ALL OF THAT. I’ve made a conscious decision to STOP associating guilt with food. If I want it, I eat it. I know the foods my body responds well to and I stick with that. I eat gluten, dairy, sugar, carbs, lean meats, occasional red meat, any veggie I want (legumes included!), fast food, and home cooked food. I stopped forcing down foods that gross me out because the internet told me to. I stopped avoiding foods because the internet told me not to eat it. I’ve stopped doing workouts that make me unhappy. I used to leave crossfit in tears because I didn’t PR. I used to come home pissed about a run because I wasn’t fast enough. I’ve realized that WORKOUTS SHOULD NOT MAKE ME CRY!!!! Life is hard enough as it is! Am I right?! Now I go to the gym and LOVE IT! My BFF gives me workout programs that kick my butt without killing me. I feel happy and bad ass even though most of my workouts include weights that are less than 30 lbs. There ain’t nothing wrong with some tiny weights! Since living this way I’ve found that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with my body. Sure, I’d be happier with hair too, BUT I no longer dread non-workout clothes and the dressing room and I have reconciled our friendship. I want to make this super clear…I’m not saying crossfit, paleo, endurance running, or macro counting is bad. I am saying that if the foods you eat or the workouts you do make you miserable, then maybe you should consider doing something that makes you happy! The internet is a cesspool of people telling you their way is the best way and any other way is wrong AF. I’m here to tell you that the best way is the way that works for you! There is no wrong way. If it works for you, then it works and that is all that matters! If you’re a keto guido, rock on! If you’re living your best vegan life, yas queen! If you slow walk on the treadmill, keep killin it! If you’ve never followed a fad diet and never will, heck yeah! If you PR the shit out of every crossfit workout, high five to you and your sweat angel! Just go out there and do you! If Instagram tells you that’s not good enough, then delete that person and keep it moving! Every person’s body is so different and responds so differently. Find the thing that is the right fit for you, and your body will show its thanks back! xoxoxo

The Anxiety Chronicles

Can we talk about anxiety for a second? By second, I mean the length of time it takes you to read this post lol. Anxiety is something I have dealt with for most of my life. My first memory of it dates all the way back to 1st grade. I entered the building for the first day of school and FREAKED out. Why I freaked out is beyond me. Going to kindergarten and preschool was easy peasy. Yet here I was breaking down so badly that I puked my guts out. Right there on the classroom floor. Puke-a-roo. Quite the way to make an impression for myself don’t ya think? This ritual continued for about a week. My anxiety pukes became business as usual. So much so that my teacher put a garbage can next to my desk. Likely to give the janitor a break from cleaning daily floor vomit. Yes ladies and gentleman, I was that girl. To this day I do not know why I would go into a complete fight or flight mode when I walked into that room, but eventually I worked through it and enjoyed the rest of my elementary school days. The next occurrence happened in 8th grade. Once again, it seemingly came out of nowhere. My middle school moved into a new building mid-year and all of a sudden, my anxiety made a return appearance. I would enter a state of panic that told me not to go to school. Not in that normal, I’m a pre-teen who ain’t feeling that classroom life kinda way, but in that omg I’m going to pass out, or die, or something awful is surely going to happen kinda way. I started making myself throw up so my parents would have a reason to keep me home. Puke is apparently a common theme of this blog. I even rubbed my mom’s lipsticks into my cheeks in hopes that I’d look red and ill to pull off the act. I probably just looked like bozo the clown honestly. Quickly my parents realized I wasn’t actually sick and forced me to go to school. I bet you are wondering if I was bullied. My parents were wondering the same thing. Was I being picked on? Was something bad happening? The answer is nope. Literally, nothing bad was happening. I had a great life and this paralyzing fear was a result of nothing more than my brain taking extra steps to scare the shit out of me.As I’ve gotten older, the gamut of things that make me anxious has steadily grown, and my experiences with it have changed. I’ve learned that I am EXTREMELY sensitive to other people’s emotions. When I am around someone who is high strung, overly worried, or trying to be over protective of me, my anxiety shoots through the roof. It feels like I start to absorb their stressors and I become suffocated by it. 2017 was my first experience with a panic attack. I was driving to work and about to turn onto the highway. Suddenly, I felt this crazy sensation like I was going to pass out. I became light headed, my face became extremely hot, and my entire body began sweating. I spent the entire drive talking myself down and blasting the AC in my face. At the time, I was still extremely depressed and overwhelmed by my alopecia, and I was on anxiety overload because I was recovering from a pulmonary embolism. I continued to have panic attacks daily. They would strike whenever they pleased—driving, walking through the grocery store, at work, at dinner with friends, in the airport. The only time they didn’t happen was when I was in the comfort of my apartment. I’ve always been open with my friends and family about having anxiety, but I’ve never really opened up about my panic attacks. I was so good at maintaining a smile on the outside while mentally losing it on the inside. Since starting this blog, my panic attacks have significantly decreased. I’m by no means “recovered”, but I’ve gotten to a much better mental state. I’ve come to terms with the fact that anxiety has been and always will be a part of me. Much like alopecia, learning to own it and cope with it is what has helped me the most. It doesn’t change the fact that it is a pain in the ass. It doesn’t change the fact that my brain is CONSTANTLY trying to scare me out of doing the smallest things—driving, leaving the house, applying for new jobs, etc. It doesn’t change the fact that every second of the day my brain is telling me “no you can’t do that” and I have to tell it “screw you, yes I can!” However, it does mean that no matter how hard anxiety tries to win, I still get to tell it, “not today brah, not today.”

Roomies and Baldies

This past week I traveled to Utah for work. Landed in Sat Lake, and headed to Provo to take care of business. My company has a unique travel policy that requires employees to share a room. I recently joined a new team and not everyone was aware of the no hair situation I have going on up top. Truthfully, when I learned I was going to have to share a room, I panicked. Yes, I am comfortable sharing my baldness on the interwebs, but hair is such a key component to my professional look. Not saying that bald is unprofessional. Just saying that for me, I’m never in the office sans wig. It was most certainly going to catch my new coworker off guard to witness me transform from fab hair to nothing but scalp in a matter of seconds. Sleeping in a wig is not an option for me. I’ve tried it and it was the most uncomfortable night of sleep of my life. I need to be bare head on pillow to sleep like the angel I’m trying to be. Therefore, I knew I had to tell my roomie.When I saw the email confirming the travel accommodations, my stomach sank and panic set in. I sat at my desk feeling a smidge pukey with a dash of pitting, and some low-grade shakes. I decided to handle this in typical Supriya fashion and make a joke out of it. No one can sense your panic on the inside when you are all smiles and laughs on the outside. Am I right?! My email went something like this “Just a heads up, I have alopecia and look like a normal person by day, but look like a bald alien creature by night.” I then processed to use a yellow emoji face to paint the full picture. Next, I IMd my roomie to be and let her know that I would give her fair warning before the wig came off. I shouldn’t have been surprised when she was totally cool with everything. The room sharing was not a big deal at all. Yes, I was nervous, but my roommate was so chill and awesome. I couldn’t have asked for a better stranger to be bunkies with! I don’t know why I always feel so scared of people’s reaction to my alopecia when it is up close and personal. I assume they will be uncomfortable or offended by my scalp. Yet that’s all it is. Just a plain jane run of the mill scalp. It’s not like I’m hiding a tattoo of Tweetie bird and Taz making obscene gestures (throwback to every 90s baby who once rocked a Looney Tunes temporary tattoo). Also, I have no control over it. This is just part of me now and I need to find a way to accept the fact that other people are totally fine with it too. Yes, jokes and making fun of myself before someone can make fun of me will always be my self defense tactic. However, I need to convince myself that people aren’t going to stop, drop, and roll when they see my head. Hopefully, that day will come soon, but for now I remain a forever work in progress...